Sunday, August 07, 2016

A little good news

I have a new job, that I really think I will like, working for a company that appears to be really good - caring for it's employees.  I am really excited and hopeful about this.

**From here there were nothing but whiny bits, most of which were removed** - suffice to say - depression sucks and makes it hard to get things done. I'm having a hard time getting things done and I have to pick and choose the important things I can spend my energy on carefully.  Right now putting on the good face at work is most important and everything else is on the perhaps if I'm lucky list.

I won't beat myself up for not getting all the things done (it's bad, really bad, to do that.  It makes things worse).  I don't need other people doing it for me.  If you are going to do that, I'm going to not talk to you.  I am doing the best I can, if you want more than that I need to not deal with you right now.  It doesn't matter that you don't understand how it can be that hard.  At this point in time, it just is.

Yesterday I got about 1/4 of the things that needed to be done accomplished.  But in the realm of less clutter is supposed to be better (and really checking a thing off the list of To Dos is good) I sewed up a sweater that I finished knitting in 2014.  There are some ends from putting in the neck that need to be woven in, but I'm considering it done.

Small victories. 

Today I have to leave the house and get some groceries, no matter how hard that will be.  And put clean sheets on the bed.  

Anything else that gets done - small victory.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Life goes on, sometimes without us

I always try to keep my whiney bits to myself.  I am not always (or often, even) successful.

I frequently become withdrawn and don't communicate.  Usually because my brain has decided to eat all the light out of my soul.  Sometimes things are so bad even the drugs don't seem to be helping.

I have just started making this blanket - Last Dance on the Beach.  The kit was featured in an email from Paradise Fibers.   And because I recognize this struggle, and am fighting hard to stay afloat since last fall. It hurts my soul to see another soul that lost the fight.

And it doesn't really matter how well or poorly life is going.  Every setback is a major failure, no matter how small.  I've had some pretty major set backs lately, but certainly nothing life ending.  I know that objectively, but in my brain the entire world would just be better off without me.  And I'll never fix the mess my life has become. Or better, that the things I'm doing/have done are ruining my loved ones' existence.   And as if that isn't enough the whispers that no one really loves you anyway, are even more insidious.

It sucks when your own brain is your worst enemy.

So with every stitch of every square I'm asking for the strength to keep up the good fight, one second at a time. Because that's the best I can do.

And some day soon, with grace and perseverance, the clouds will part and things will be okay.

I hope.